“Why won’t she talk to me?” Why our daughter’s won’t seem to open up to us and tell us what is going on in their lives.
So many times, we moms (especially ones with teenagers) wonder why our daughter(s) is shutting us out. We used to have such a close relationship and she would tell us everything. Now, however, she seems so quiet and distant and we are left to wonder “what happened”.
Sometimes, our daughter’s not talking to us is just a normal stage they go through as they are separating themselves from us and trying to find their own identity. Other times, however, the lines of communication have somehow been broken and our daughters give up on talking to us. Now, please remember that some tension between mothers and daughters is inevitable as both of our hormones can be raging and emotions often run high even in circumstances that seem so benign.
In their book What Your Daughter Isn’t Telling You, Shellenberger & Gowler (2007) suggest that our daughters feel empty and lonely, in their relationship with us, and really want a better relationship but just don’t know how to fix it. A unique aspect of this book is that the authors include actual responses from girls. Here are a few reasons why girls say they can’t talk to their moms (I paraphrased them into quotes): “We never see eye-to-eye. We always seem to fight”, “I used to spend so much time with my mom before my sibling came along. Now she doesn’t seem to have time for me anymore. I felt so special when she spent time alone with just me”, “I’m afraid she will no longer love me when I tell her what is bothering me”, “My mom ignores me when I try to talk to her or even worse, laughs at me”. It is important, for us moms, to realize that being lonely is a dangerous place for our daughters to be regardless of the reason. At times, we moms (myself included) may not “really” listen to what our girls are telling us or are critical when they do. Girls exude drama and sometimes we brush off what is truly earth shattering to her.
If our daughters feel they can’t talk to us about their feelings (whether it’s out of fear of being laughed at, ignored or of just being misunderstood), they will find someone else to talk to. But even worse, they may find other ways to deal with their pain. Some girls may develop an eating disorder or begin to cut themselves. One of the most frightening ways, for me personally, is for our girls to turn to the internet. There is always someone out there who is willing to listen and offer comfort. Some girls will even give themselves to the first boy who shows interest in them and is willing to listen because they are so desperate to be accepted and cared for.
There is hope!! What we can do to be better listeners and have our girls talk to us again.
When our girls talk to us, are we truly listening or are we distracted? As Shellenberger & Gowler point out, God has gifted us moms with the ability to seriously multitask. We can be cooking dinner, writing notes for our day tomorrow and folding laundry all at the same time. So, when our daughters come to tell us something, we need to let them know that we are listening. We need to stop what we are doing, look them in the eye and give them our full attention. At times, if I don’t really understand what my daughter is saying, I might say something like “so what I’m hearing you say is this…” This exchange lets her know that I am both listening and really want to understand her thoughts/feelings.
Another key to keep our girls talking to us is trust. Our girls need a safe place to share what is on their minds and in their hearts. They need to know that we will not share with anyone else (unless they give us permission) what they have told us. I learned this the hard way recently. In disciplining one for our girls, we had grounded her from the school dance. I knew her best friend would be asking her why she couldn’t go so I thought it would “help” my daughter if I told her friend’s mom (who I am good friends with) why my daughter was grounded so she could encourage her daughter not to ask questions (are you following me here?) Well, as you might guess, my friend shared this information with her daughter who promptly sought out my daughter, the next morning at school, saying she knew why she was grounded. Can you only imagine how angry my daughter was at me? My friend did nothing wrong by sharing with her daughter…I was the one who was wrong. I broke my daughter’s trust by sharing something (with good intentions) that I should have kept private. I asked her forgiveness and assured her that from now on, what she shared me with would stay with me.
Please note that there are times when the circumstances necessitate that we share, what our daughter has told us, with someone else (such as suspected abuse or if we feel our daughter is in danger). This is not the type of sharing I referred to above.
In closing, I want to share ways that we can develop and maintain open communication with our daughters (adapted from What Your Daughter Isn’t Telling you):
• Assure her that no question is too embarrassing or off limits. She needs to know that there is someone who she can ask these questions to and will get honest answers.
• Don’t just assume that she knows that she can come to you. Tell her…let her know that you are always there.
• Make sure she knows that no matter who else might let her down or might not seem to care, you will always be there to offer help/advice, a shoulder to cry on or a warm lap to lay her head on.
Remember, you are the only mother your daughter has…she needs you to be that person in her life!!