My daughter is struggling to make friends. How can I help her?
This is an issue that most moms face at one point or another in raising our girls. It is also a heart wrenching one as it’s hard to see our daughters struggling. The good news is that there are some things you can do to help her! There are many resources out there that discuss this very subject. One of the most helpful is a part of Focus on the Family and written by Cheryl DeWitt. The link is provided: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teen_booklets/developing-friendships-that-last.aspx
The Friendship Survival Kit (adapted from After the Boxes are Unpacked: Moving On After Moving In)
1. Be approachable
2. Take opportunities that God gives you. If someone asks you to go do something, ask them to do something at another time.
3. When someone invites you, say “yes” even if you are shy.
4. Be available
5. Pray and ask God to send you a friend(s).
6. Be yourself
7. Be an initiator
8. Smile!
9. Remember that to have a friend, you must first be a friend
10. Sometimes, all you need, to make a friend, is to just show up!
Girl Drama!!! What’s a mom to do???
Where you have girls, you will have drama. If this isn’t a Chinese proverb, it should be! Seriously, we moms often really struggle with this in our homes and it makes dads want to go hide. Understanding girl drama starts with a definition. For this, I am providing the link to the “Girls Only” part of our SEROCKS website. Our own Johanna has blogged about this issue (when it’s girl to girl drama) and I couldn’t say it better myself. http://www.serocks.com/GIRLSONLY/tabid/82/tag/girl%20drama/Default.aspx
From my totally unscientific research, I have found that girl drama (other than girl to girl) seems to center around 4 main categories: boys, school, home (yes, with parents) and a girl’s body. Since Johanna gave a great definition of girl drama, I am going to focus on ways you can encourage your daughter to deal with it. The first and most important rule is to not discount our daughter’s feelings. What may seem trivial or silly to us can be earth shattering and life changing for them. Let them know that while you may not be able to completely relate to their specific struggle, you have been there (you know you have) and you are all ears. Furthermore, don’t always try to solve their problem (unless she asks for advice). Sometimes, all they are looking for is someone to listen.
Boys: It will happen…our girls will, at some point, come home upset over a boy. It can range from a boy not noticing her to her boyfriend breaking up with her to her seeing a boy she likes hanging out with another girl (even worse if it’s her best friend…talk about drama). Let her know it’s ok to cry. She may want to go to her room, eat some ice cream or call her close friends and cry her eyes out. She may want to go to the mall or a movie with some friends. Pampering herself a bit such as getting a new hairdo, a manicure or redoing her make-up might also help. If money is an issue, do it for her. You all can have a spa day and play hair and nails.
Parents: Trying to convince our girls that we stay in their business because we care about them is not easy. Some of our struggles with our daughters involve them feeling that we won’t let them do what they want or their perception that we don’t like their friends or the way they dress. Always let her know you love her. If you and she have had a confrontation, she may want to go for a walk and get some fresh air, listen to music, call a friend and vent or get a journal and write down her thoughts.
School: As a teacher, I can truly empathize with the drama that can occur between teachers and students. Common issues that create drama are the student’s perception that the teacher does not like her, the teacher gives too much homework or the homework does not fit the class, they have no time to complete the work or even that the homework is being given as punishment. The best way to address this is to encourage your daughter to go talk to the teacher. If that does not seem to help, then she can go to the school counselor and then to you, the parent, if it seems you might need to get involved.
Bodies: All kinds of drama can stem from this one. Girls see themselves as too fat or too thin. They think their breast are too small, their legs too big/small etc. Unfortunately, the list often goes on and on. Explain to your daughter the benefits of eating healthy and of exercising. Encourage her to be proactive in taking care of her body. Remind her that she was created in God’s own image (Genesis 1:27) and that she is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalms 139:14-15).