My daughter wants to start dating. Are there any guidelines for this?
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
Dating can be an exciting time for our daughters and a terrifying time for moms/dads! What we parents need to realize is that today’s dating scene is radically different from when we were dating. I don’t have to tell you how much times have changed. Premarital sex is rampant among both Christians and non-Christians. Throw in peer pressure, binge drinking and societies message of “if it feels good do it” and you have a recipe that won’t taste too great. Now, please don’t think I am saying that your daughter, when she begins dating, will be involved in any of these activities. I just want to make you aware, as a mom, of what our daughters might face in dating.
The first step, in allowing your daughter to date, is to determine at what age she can start. Unfortunately, there is no magic formula for this. You know your daughter’s emotional maturity better than anyone. In their book What Your Daughter Isn’t Telling You, authors Shellenberger & Gowler (2007) contend that when girls begin dating before the age of 16, they often get bored with just dating by age 18. James Dobson suggests not allowing girls to date before they are 17. In making this decision, communication with your daughter is vital. Sit down with her and ask what she thinks and then tell her the reasoning behind your decision. Maybe share something you learned from your own life experiences. Reiterate your love for her and your God-given responsibility for her well-being. Let her know that you understand she wants to have fun and experience the thrill of romance but that you also are well aware of the emotional hurdles that await her and that you want to help her avoid unnecessary pain.
Group dating is a great alternative to one-on-one dating. Such dates can be a more relaxing place to have fun and foster new friendships. Girls are also less likely to feel they have to have their “date face” on and can feel more free to be themselves and will be less tempted to be involved in physical intimacy. Group dates can be with other Christian friends who share the same values and convictions. However, even with this type of date, you still need to know the kids she will be with and preferably even the parents.
When you feel that your daughter is ready to go on a date alone, sit down with her before and go over some guidelines for dating. Once again, you can involve her, in developing these guidelines but you have the ultimate say so as her parent. Discuss curfews, places she is allowed to go, who she can go with and appropriate behavior with the opposite sex. Consequences for violating these rules also need to be discussed. Discuss with her about not putting herself in a situation where she might be tempted but that if she does find herself there, God will always provide a way out (1Corinthians 10:13).
I am not here yet with my daughter (she is 13) but know it is coming. More than anything, I want her to give her freedom and trust along with the knowledge of how much we love her and are here for her. We need to tell our daughters often how beautiful, valuable and special they are and that they deserve to be treated with respect by a boy. If you have not read the Q&A on the importance of the father/daughter relationship, please do as they play a pivotal role in their daughter’s dating relationships.
Here are some helpful articles:
Can you give me good dating guidelines for my teen?
Our 16-year-old daughter has started dating. How do we help her keep perspective and avoid trouble?
I also highly recommend this DVD by Doug Weiss entitled Princesses Take Longer Than Frogs. Here is what Doug’s website says about the DVD (I have attached the link below):
This 2 hour DVD helps single women ages 15-30, to successfully navigate through the season of dating. Dr. Weiss's "Princes Take Longer Than Frogs" is a faith-based discussion broken up into several segments including: Characteristics of Princes and Frogs, Lies Women Believe, Dating, Accountability, Boundaries, Sex and the Brain and so much more. This DVD also includes a free eBook to follow along including group discussion questions and assignments.
How can I help my daughter understand the importance of staying pure until she is married? There is so much pressure in the world today to have sex outside of marriage.
This is one of those issues that I think most moms worry about. This is a topic that can’t possibly be tackled in one question so I will only hit the basics. There is a place on the parents section where you can ask questions. Please give me your specific question and I will answer it and give you the best resources I know of.
We live in an “anything goes” world and our teens are bombarded from all sides with sexual temptation and the message premarital sex is just what people do and that there is nothing wrong with it. Put those messages alongside God’s word and teachings from parents/ church etc. and it’s no wonder our daughters are so confused.
Let’s start by looking at what the Bible has to say about premarital sex and remaining pure.
1 Corinthians 6:18 “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”
Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”
Ephesians 5:3 “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity…because these are improper for God’s holy people.”
1 Thessalonians 4: 3-4 “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable.”
1 Corinthians 6:13 “…the body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord and the Lord for the body.”
God’s word is very clear that sex before marriage is not only a sin but is very damaging to a person both physically and emotionally. Our daughters need to understand that God created us as sexual beings and gave us the gift of sex. He understands our temptations in this area. God isn’t saying we should never have sex, He is just saying wait until you are married. We don’t want out girls to think that sex is something bad as God created it to be a wonderful act between a husband and wife. I want my girls to know that sex ROCKS but in the context of the marriage relationship.
The emotional implications of premarital sex are huge and can last a lifetime.
So, what if our daughter has already been involved sexually. Our daughters can experience a “second virginity” through asking God for forgiveness and turning away from sexual activity. “There’s no such things as ‘damaged goods’ in God’s eyes. God’s arm of love and restoration is not too short to reach her. In fact, Christ died to wipe away her sin. Forgiveness can be hers for the asking. Please, don’t ever let a hurting girl feel like she’s a lost cause or too dirty to be cleansed. Redemption is a beautiful thing!” (What Your Daughter Isn’t Telling You, 2007).
Serocks has purity retreats for girls in grades 5-12. The retreats are broken down by grades with 5/6 being at one retreat, one for middle school girls and another for high school girls. I have attached the link that will provide the dates of these retreats.
SeRocks Events for Girls