Is it important to set boundaries with our preteen/teen daughter?
The simple is answer is yes...however, setting and enforcing them can be a challenge. Rules (i.e. boundaries) are a fact of life that every person faces. Boundaries are in place to keep us safe such as speed limits and expiration dates. The same holds true for our our daughters. Our role as parents is to keep our girls safe and setting boundaries is part of that. They need to know that we love them no matter what and because we do, we set boundaries. Just as societal rules are sometimes not popular, so are boundaries with our kids.
Boundaries need to be set, in most areas, such as after school activities, homework, dating (there’s a hot topic) and church just to name a few. The parent(s) need to sit down, in private, and establish boundaries so that they are on the same page. Another way to promote boundaries is to model them ourselves. Let our girls see that we, too, have boundaries, in our lives, that we honor by respecting them. Be prepared that your daughter will resist some boundaries but understand that holding firm, to them, is essential as it shows our daughters that we love them.
How do I set boundaries and how do I decide which areas to set them?
In her article for Focus on The Family, Tiffany Stuart (2008) likens setting boundaries to a door. When we open the door to give our teens the appropriate amount of freedom, we allow them to make their own decisions and experience life’s lessons of success and failure. The door may need to be closed a little or shut completely if you feel trust has been broken. You can reopen the door, a little or a lot, whenever you feel she is ready.
Setting boundaries can be a balancing act at times. In our family, we know that some boundaries are set by my husband and I and in others, we involve our girls by getting their input. Allowing our daughters to have a say so makes them feel as if they have ownership in the boundaries which makes them more likely to abide by them. Keep in mind that boundaries can change. My 13 year old will have different boundaries now than she will when she is 18. Some boundaries are nonnegotiable such as “you will be in church with us on Sunday mornings” while others such as what they can wear to church are up for negotiation. In setting boundaries, I have truly learned not to “sweat the small stuff”.
I grew up in a church where, on Sunday mornings, you wore your “Sunday best” meaning dresses, suits etc. However, when our girls began to have a say so in their wardrobes (we had changed to a church that was much less formal), they didn’t want to “dress up” for church as many people in our new church wore jeans. I really struggled with allowing them to wear jeans. I had to realize that God looks on the inside and not at what a person is wearing. So, I allowed them to wear jeans but with boundaries such as the jeans could have no holes and they had to wear a nice shirt/shoes with them.
Another area was is the realm of cell phones. This was one of those where my husband and I were not in agreement but we discussed it in private but came to a compromise. We got our daughter a cell phone but put boundaries around it such as no texting and that she would have to pay for part of the monthly bill. Keep in mind that boundaries are unique to the child and to the family values. One set of boundaries, that works for our family, may be unrealistic for another.
The first step, in setting boundaries, is to determine in what areas you want them. Maybe you need to set a boundary about after school activities. How many will be allowed per semester? How much time is reasonable to be spent doing them? Homework is another important one. Does homework have to be done immediately when they come home or can they have a bit of free time first? Where does homework need to be done? For older teens, curfews need to be established. This is an area where you can involve you daughter by getting her input into what she feels is fair. Dating is another huge area where boundaries are important. At what age can she date? Who can she go out with? Where can they go? What is acceptable behavior with a boy?
Along with setting boundaries, be sure and set consequences for going outside of the boundaries. Once again, the parent can set some and can involve their teen in others but make sure the consequences are clearly understood.
Finally, remember that kids crave boundaries as it lets them know that they are loved.
Here is an article you might find helpful.
Real Boundaries for Teens
Additional Resources
http://family.christianbook.com/boundaries-with-kids-henry-cloud/9780310243151/pd/43157?p=1143702&event=ORC
http://family.christianbook.com/boundaries-with-teens-when-yes-how/john-townsend/9780310270454/pd/270454?p=1143702&event=ORC